For a while now I have been harbouring anger around an old hurt! I was going to laugh at my choice of words then: harbouring, but then I realised that as an analogy harbouring is excellent. I went out for a walk today and began to think about the anger that I feel and what I can do to shift it; I thought about what anger is in general and where it resides about my being. Every time I visualised it it fell somewhere around the left side of my body, it is not inside me, it is more around me waiting patiently for opportunities to be activated and cause havoc!
Everywhere I go the anger goes along side me, perhaps I pull it like an old fashioned horse drawn coal barge, darkly it follows me not doing anything in particular apart from being there. Most of the time I pay it no attention but from time to time things happen which activate it, and then there it is rearing its ugly head disturbing my equilibrium.
So here I am on my mission to choose good feeling thoughts doing my best to make Peace with the world exactly as I find it and somehow I need to find a way to make peace with the anger which I am harbouring.
My anger surrounds another person, as I am sure anger so often does, but it does not affect them as far as I know. It belongs to me! It is a mixture of hurt, a faint desire for revenge, a feeling of unjustness and a strong desire to be free of it. Some parts of me would like to bundle it up and fling it at the other person, but I know in my heart that the best thing I could do with it were it something solid and flingable would be to throw it to the wind to dissipate.
Strong negative emotions are a burden and by themselves they do not achieve anything, when I think of the Image of Peace I know that harbouring a body of anger can only hurt me. I like to imagine that if my body had a colourful aura the anger would appear as a bright red bulge on my left side. I feel anger towards someone else, but I and I alone am the one who suffers. The anger is mine, I own it.
I know how to make peace with small disappointments and annoyances, in fact I find it very easy to do so, but making peace with such a large thing, a thing which seems to have taken on its own characteristics is a big challenge for me.
Firstly I own the anger, I forgive myself entirely for allowing it to grow to such proportions without dealing with it, I made a mistake, I am a human being and mistakes can be beautiful. As a human I have no instruction manual to tell me how to deal with intense emotions so how could I expect myself to do any better until I have learnt through experience how these things work? Who knows what great blessings could come from my anger once it has flowered into a beautiful blossom?
Secondly I trust that my urge to find a way to make peace with the anger I hold will bring exactly the solution that I need straight to me.
Finally I do not let this problem or any others which I encounter take up too much of my time! When the time is right the solution will come and for the rest of the time I shall focus on that which fills my heart with gladness! I have spent enough of my life allowing problems to take up too much of my time, before I was able to choose my thoughts difficulties would consume my attention like hungry wolves and I was frequently miserable turning them over and over again in my mind to no avail. Now I know that there is a time and a place for dealing with problems, they need not mar my everyday life or stem the beauty of my world.
Today I am Thankful for all the opportunities I have to grow
I am Thankful for the beauty which is to come when I have healed my anger
I am Thankful for walking in the fields bare foot
I am Thankful for the feel of mud between my toes
I am Thankful for invitations to sit by a fire in a cave
I am Thankful for new horizons
I am Thankful for sunbeams through water
I am Thankful for the sound of laughter coming from peoples houses as I walk past
I am Thankful for passion
I am Thankful for love