Saturday, 31 March 2012

How Magical and Mysterious is LIfe?


Just exactly how magical and mysterious is reality please? I'd really like to know. My house has recently and perhaps always been a strange place where things disappear and then reappear in completely different places. Are there spirits which live in my house, fairies and pixies which playfully move stuff around or borrow it, either because they are tricksy and want to cause mischief or because they simply fancy a borrow of my stuff?

I'm not sure what I am willing to believe about the world and everything in it, what a mysterious place it is! What makes things grow? If the answer to that question is life, then what exactly is life? What makes the divine spark which flows into form, through form and back out of form? Is it limited to flowing with 'solid' things? Is it possible that beings exist alongside us which we can't or simply don't see?

Normally (!) in my everyday life I would not be spending that much time thinking about things which I cannot sense, after all what is the point? It seems a bit like the story someone I love once told me about how she used to loose sleep worrying about the size of the Universe! 
I remember spending some time in my late teens feeling very stressed and suffering from insomnia because I was worried about the actuality of being, every so often I would become acutely aware that I was, or am, and it would spin me out to the point where I had panic attacks! 
I think after some time I simply got used to being, the panic attacks went away and I probably found something a bit less existential to think about! 

So what is the point of thinking about beings living in my home that I cannot sense? Not a lot I suppose, it's just that at the moment they are being particularly troublesome and whilst I would usually recommend to myself that I simply think about something which feels good that does not seem to be working for me at the moment. 
I think about things which feel lovely, my body and mind moves into a state of pleasant restfulness and I get on with my daily life and then boing the pixies/fairies/elves strike again! 

I expect this says something interesting about my psychology, perhaps Freud would be having a field day "So tell me about these little people......"
Perhaps that is the point, maybe the events in my home are pointing towards some aspect of myself that needs addressing and healing, after all this is my reality, and I am a believer that on the whole things happen for a reason. Why 'on the whole'? well so far nobody has been able to properly explain in a way that I can understand and groove with why so many seemingly unjust things happen in the world, and I mean on a catastrophic scale. But on a microcosmic scale and within my own life I like to think that things occur for my growth as a spiritual being. 

I am reminded of a story someone recently told me about a westerner who visited a remote tribe and at some point during his visit he was bitten on the leg by a dog, the man wanted to go off and find a hospital, but the tribe said "you don't need a doctor, you need to see a Shaman", so he went to see the Shaman and the Shaman said that the dog had bitten his leg in response to some inner turmoil that he was experiencing to do with his family, which was manifesting itself in his leg, the dog effectively let it out and brought it to the surface for him to heal. After visting the Shaman and expressing his grief with his family his leg quickly healed.

Who knows how the Divine Oneness and the Universe works? I'd like to think that the Whole World is conspiring for my growth, perhaps the only way to help me to heal my wounds is for 'fairies' to 'borrow' my stuff! Spirit certainly does have a sense of humour! In some ways it makes perfect sense that I would manifest mischievous fairy like happenings in my life, having spent almost my entire childhood reading fairy stories and since reaching adult hood in writing them! 

I was recently diagnosed with a Branchial cyst; when we are embryos in the womb our bodies make structures which were we destined to be sea creatures would become gills, branchia is the latin word for gill, most humans reabsorb these structures and use the material elsewhere in their bodies. I still have one! None of my friends were surprised to discover that I am part mermaid, and to be quite frank, neither was I! 

Fairies, mermaids, how mysterious is life? How magical we are! Eat your heart out Freud! 

Today I am grateful for the fairies that are highlighting my wounds which need to heal
I am grateful for my gills even if I can't breath under water
I am grateful for magical happenings
I am grateful for everyday that I wake up and hear the birds singing their joy for the morning
I am grateful for my precious human life
I am grateful that I learnt to touch type
I am grateful that I can hear my wonderful daughter playing the piano so beautifully
I am grateful for all the love in the world
I am grateful for patience
I am grateful for the times when the things which have disappeared reappear! 

love Klara. 

Friday, 30 March 2012

Pause for Inspiration!


It's not quite nine am and here I am already writing my blog, yippeeeee! I have really noticed the difference in how inspired I am in the morning compared to at night, I don't know what the factors are, I expect most people would guess tiredness in the evening, but I'm not so sure.

Anyhow it's definitely the morning now, and here I am waiting for inspiration! What is the recipe for inspiration? How and where does it come from? What I do know for sure is that when I am in my heart, and in the present moment the inspiration arrives much more quickly. The discovery of that was one of the motivating factors for my devotion and determination on my thought choosing mission

I am a writer of stories and songs, and I am usually most prolific in the autumn and winter, I am not sure of the reason for this, but there is a particular mode which I associate with inspired thought. It goes a little something like this: 

I am alone, I am in a quiet space, it is either somewhere very natural like a woodland or a field or it is somewhere like my bedroom in a very tidy space. Where there is 'mess' I find it hard to create as my mind becomes activated in a more everyday kind of way. So, I may have an idea to work with, a starting point like a seed, or I may have no thought of where I am going, just a desire to create. With my seed, or creation desire, I simply sit and wait patiently. Sometimes I wait for days! Sometimes hours, but usually minutes. It's not a thoughtful kind of waiting, like when waiting for a bus ('where is it? who is that interesting person next to me in the queue etc'), no it is more like a pause. The world seems to stand still with baited breath, almost as if the Universe is excited to see what will pour from my consciousness. 

Then it comes: Inspiration, sometimes like a trickle and sometimes a flood, but with ease. Sometimes it feels like having warm air rush over me, and others it is like a rush of icy wind, my excitement mounts as I move with the story or the music, sometimes I allow it to simply go where it will and others I will direct it and mould it with my own thoughts. 

Inspiration comes to me when I allow it, it takes for me to be still and quiet inside. This is my way and I expect there are a myriad of other ways which suit other people. 

I Love to live an inspired life, I love to write and compose, and learning to still my mind seems to me to be the number one way of doing so. 
When I allow my mind to generate thoughts unchecked it becomes like a din, through which no inspiration can come. I do not claim inspiration as mine, I do not claim the words and music which I write as a product of my 'mind', it feels to me more that they come from somewhere else, for my enjoyment (and hopefully the enjoyment of others). I imagine it comes from the collective consciousness, or Spirit, the Divine Oneness, All That Is. 

I feel very fortunate to experience this particular blessing in my life, I do believe that inspiration is there for everyone to use as they please. It seems like a very clear and good reason to SHEPHERD THE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD, to be vigilant and pounce like a tiger on any trains of thought which could lead my mind into the spaghetti junctions of unnecessary thought. 

I feel so joyful to be making such wonderful progress at learning to be happy with my life exactly the way it is. I have so much to be thankful for, guiding my thoughts is allowing me to really see the blessings which I have. Over the years the clamouring of thoughts in my head, before I started to shepherd my thoughts, had prevented me from really seeing how blessed I am. It feels wonderful to be enjoying my life on a day to day basis, being in the moment, not in the mind, is really where it's at for me!

Today I have Loving Gratitude for the inspiration which comes when I am quiet inside
 I have Loving Gratitude for the beauty of the world which feeds my soul
 I have Loving Gratitude for the quiet times in my home when I can create
 I have Loving Gratitude for the gentle sounds of the morning
 I have Loving Gratitude for the sound of the waves in big shells
 I have Loving Gratitude for the feel of a smooth pebble in my hand
 I have Loving Gratitude for the feel of sand between my toes
 I have Loving Gratitude for the times when I have submerged my whole body in cold  water and jumped back out breathing the rush of warm air into my lungs
 I have Loving Gratitude for the sound of the world as it waits for inspiration
 I have Loving Gratitude for all the stories and songs I have written so far

love Klara. 

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Happy Birthday Everyday!


Today is day ninety one of my blog, I thought that day ninety would be exciting to celebrate and then I was having such a great day that I didn't even notice it was day ninety!
Suddenly it seems interesting to me the way some humans, and certainly me up to this point celebrate achievement by counting it in time and volume, how odd it appears to me now? My experience has been that we start this counting from birth, first the baby's life is counted in hours, then days then weeks, months and finally we record our lives in years, as if having lived a certain number of them should mean something!

I have particularly been noticing recently people using the number of years they have been in this physical body as a stick to beat them selves with. "I am getting old" they say, "I get tired more easily", "If only I were still young!". "My memory/eyesight/fill in your woe here, is not what it used to be"...... I am sure I could go on.
On this idea I am not sure that amount of time spent in this body should equal it's faculties waring out, especially when I so frequently meet people who are shining examples of pretty much exactly the opposite. Indeed I have often noticed just how hard it can be to guess a person's age, I'm sure most people have met somebody who has really "taken care of themselves" and looks "ten years younger"?

I do think that physical fitness is a function of our thoughts processes as much as it is of our experiences and life circumstances. This really brings to life for me just how much it matters WHAT I ALLOW MYSELF TO THINK ABOUT and how much I allow myself to entertain my fears, "do come in Mr (or Mrs) Sinister Anxiety, make yourself at home in my body temple with your muddy feet and your indiscriminate stress"!!!
It is only really necessary to look at somebodies face who is suffering in a stressful moment to see how it affects our bodies if we entertain it in a long term way.

Perhaps it seems like I am having some sort of mid-life-crisis? "Oh My God I'm Getting Old!", but really I do have some perspective, my grandma turned one hundred last week, now she really is old and I'm not even half her age!
I am getting close to forty years old, what does it mean to me? Not a lot when I think about it! I feel like I am in fantastic shape, I feel no older than I did ten years ago, in fact I just feel better! I have got better at being me! Hooray! 

Perhaps maturity would be better off measured in some other way? Actually why should we want to count it at all? How odd it seems. Maybe I am having some kind of brain storm and seriously missing something, but is there any other reason to measure maturity other than to compare it to other humans? Why on Earth is there so much emphasis on comparison amongst humans?

What a funny old bunch of measurers western humans are! I wonder if it is the same amongst people who live tribally? I think I would like to dismiss age altogether, perhaps at birthdays we could not mention age, I love birthdays and have no desire to wipe them out! Celebrating that we were born onto Earth in physical bodies, a day of giving thanks for our lives, how delicious. I do think though that giving thanks for my life is something I like to do everyday! Everyday can be my birthday, hooray, today I have woken up! I am alive! I have a precious human life!

I want to leap out of bed everyday of my life, excited that I have another day here on planet Earth! Why would I want to mar any of the rest of my life with an arbitrary measurement of how long I may or may not have left to live it? Hooray, goodbye to age,                                                                                  
              hello to joy for each moment!!!!

I look forward to welcoming each and everyone of my grey hairs as a sign of absolutely nothing whatsoever! I did hear that they can make one look more distinguished.......

Today I am Thankful to have woken up
I am Thankful to have a healthy body
I am Thankful for each moment of my precious human life
I am Thankful to have woken up to my ability to choose my thoughts
I am Thankful for the sun rising each day
I am Thankful to welcome the darkness each night
I am Thankful to live in such a beautiful place
I am Thankful for my grey hairs
I am Thankful for all my colourful hair too
I am Thankful for my strong bones
I am Thankful for my breakfast

love Klara.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Knowing That Everything We Need Comes With Joy!


I wrote a post recently and in it I touched on the idea that I have a specific relationship with abundance and lack in my life. Upon that realisation I realised that I need to investigate that relationship and see if I can dig it up at the roots and plant new seeds of abundance, to grow into bountiful blossoms to illuminate and adorn my life. 

The discovery of this lack-relationship has come about gradually, at first I think some helpful human probably pointed it out to me, and I probably didn't quite get what they were saying; in the past I have rarely enjoyed having my faults pointed out by other people, my ego much preferred spotting them myself and announcing them before denouncing them! 

I started to notice how carefully I look after my belongings, in the past I was convinced that my attentiveness to my possessions was from an attitude of simple care and a desire to not take more than I need from Mother Earth, surely I said to myself, this is an honourable behaviour! and while I definitely advocate only taking what I need from the Earth, when I feel it out I'm not so sure that that is all that motivates my extreme care. 

It is becoming abundantly clear to me now that the greater part of me which motivates the care I take over material things is a belief in lack. "Oh Hurrah, a new challenge" I said to myself. This one really does feel like a challenge too, I feel as if I am up against thirty-seven years of money not growing on trees and can't afford its. How firmly those phrases have been pressed into my mind and my vocabulary! 

I wonder how it would be to have grown up in a household where money never gets mentioned? I am not suggesting an upbringing where one does not care for material things, but one where the motivation for that caring is simply because we take from the Earth when we manufacture things, by hand or machine, and when things are no longer usable some of them take rather a long time to return to the Earth in a useful way (think plastics and metals for example). Perhaps this is a limiting paradigm in itself, the idea that the Earth cannot cope effectively with things which are made from it seems a bit unimaginative in itself?

In many ways for me it seems like a language thing, the way that I am used to explaining this story, particularly to my children, is habitually about lack; "Mummy please can I have that revolting plastic toy?" "No, sorry we can't afford it, I don't have the money for that this week" this sounds so much about lack and limitations, and seems like the automatic response, the easy way to answer and also the most unrewarding. 

Perhaps there is an ethos which I can explain to myself and my children using beautiful language and a full understanding of abundance that expresses my feelings about consumerism and materialism?  

Going into town, and indeed the world can be a bit of a sensory overload! There is so much out there that one could spend money on if one had a desire to do so and the money to do it! Sometimes it seems like people make their living out of selling stuff we don't really need to each other!

I know in my heart that I can always have the things I really need, I always eat well, sleep in a comfortable bed and have adequate shelter, the rest of life is the adventure! Happiness comes from inside of me, and I can find it there whenever I look for it, happiness is in my visions and my memories, it is in my mind and my creativity, and in my body in my senses and my leaping, dancing, moving life. 
Happiness has nothing whatsoever to do with lack, money, or abundance, it seems to me that they are not really even loosely connected. When I am connected to Source, Spirit, Love, God or whatever I am comfortable calling it, I feel wonderful, everything I need comes to me! 

So the association with lack and materialism must really be a red herring! A distraction! Connection to Source means Flow, Joy flows and energy flows and we are just energy, spiritual beings having a physical experience, so I guess that for now the answer for me is to remember my connection to Source, slip back into the flow of well being and relax! 

With thoughts of lack I must relax, not lack but re-lacks! Relax in to the flow of abundance......

Today I am Thankful for the clarity which comes with writing in my flow
I am Thankful for the constant flow of well being
I am Thankful for the kaleidoscope of life
I am Thankful for the time to write
I am Thankful for the peace in my heart and in my home
I am Thankful for the joy I feel to be alive
I am Thankful for the swings in the park behind my house
I am Thankful for my baby's peaceful sleep
I am Thankful for the enthusiasm for life which my children have
I am Thankful for my wonderful body

love Klara. 

Wild Horses of Gratitude!


Hooray, it's the morning and here I am writing my blog! Recently I have only been managing to turn up on the page last thing at night, and have written my posts feeling tired and a bit lacklustre!

I had an interesting challenge this morning (interesting for me anyway!), I had a disappointment about some money which I thought I had, and on discovering that I did not have it after all, I felt my old habitual response to that kind of experience beginning; the anger and disappointment began to rise like a giant wave in the sea coming to engulf me, "you'll never have enough" shouted the white horses galloping towards me on the crest of the waves "you have been cheated......."

"Oh really" I thought, and I looked the white horses in the eye and quickly put up some hurdles for them to jump over to give me some time to think how else I could react. "It's only money" I thought, "there is plenty more of it in the world, after all the Royal Mint is forever printing it and circulating it!" 
Do I really want my focus to be lack? No actually I don't! I was only just saying yesterday how I would like to shift my focus more onto all the great things in my life which I can be thankful about if I just take a moment to enjoy them. 
So that is just what I did, I shone my beam of light on the good stuff, the stuff which makes my heart feel glad, and straight away the wild eyed horses simply turned to foam, the bottom fell out of the giant wave and it slipped away into the warmth of my heart for all that is wonderful in the world! HA! 

This experience and others like it have been highlighting for me a couple of things, firstly that I do have a choice about how I react to the things which occur around me, there is no need to be consumed with bad feelings when things don't go according to plan. Secondly reactions like this one highlight for me that I would like to address my relationship to abundance and lack, it seems to me that at the moment a lot of my less harmonious reactions are associated with a fear of lack or an acceptance of it as my lifestyle norm or my world view.

It's not just a lack of money which my mind seems attached to, it's also a lack of time to get things done and to care for myself and my family. Lack in general. There is not enough to go around, in my mind at least. How dull! How limiting! How old, Goodbye lack lack lackitty lack. 

Just as I was writing this my baby woke up from her morning sleep, I was disappointed, not to see her beautiful face, but because she did not sleep for long and I was really enjoying writing and telling my tale. There it was, another opportunity to step aside from my normal reactions! 
I looked at her jolly face, she is so joyful and full of smiles, she has such a cheeky toothy grin and so much enthusiasm for life, so I embraced the whole moment and sat down to play with her, and after a while I discovered that she was happy for me to carry on writing. 

So that's it! Today I feel as if the Universe is giving me opportunities to practice CHOOSING GOOD FEELING THOUGHTS, when my pattern would be to go with the unharmonious feeling ones. What a delightful and enriching way to view the world, that every challenge, every irritation can be an opportunity to grow, to get better at being me, to get better at being human and having a wonderful life! 

Today I have gratitude for the challenges which help me to grow
I have gratitude for the intensity of my feelings 
I have gratitude for the cheeky smile on my baby's face
I have gratitude that things are rarely what they seem
I have gratitude that my world changes all the time
I have gratitude for the morning song of the blackbird
I have gratitude for the joy of enthusiasm
I have gratitude for the sound of church bells in the distance on a hazy day
I have gratitude for the stunning colour of the sunrise this morning
I have gratitude for the white horses on the crest of the waves

love Klara. 

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Giving Thanks For My Story So Far!


Writing this blog everyday is working wonders for me! What kind of wonders? I started writing it as a way of keeping my intention to find ways of being happy and staying happy at the forefront of my mind, and of keeping track of my progress. I made a commitment to myself to CHOOSE GOOD FEELING THOUGHTS and to spend as much time as I can GIVING THANKS for all the wonderful things I experience everyday.  I am very pleased with how successful I have been so far in terms of the blog keeping my focus on guiding my thoughts into good feeing places, I am positively brimming with positivity! I do suspect that spring getting under way is helping my mood, and I plan to take advantage of the increasing brightness of the seasons; hopefully I shall get really good at being me over the spring and summer so that when next winter comes along I can simply enjoy it. 

I really feel like I am making progress in my mind in quite a few different ways, for a start I am much more present in each moment than I used to be, I don't allow my mind to go off on negative tangents anymore, in fact when I catch myself thinking about anything unnecessary I pretty much stop straight away. When I first started stopping my thoughts midflow I found it hard to move on, I used to feel all unfinished and a little nervy as if I had half eaten a delicious sandwich and misplaced it, or switched off an exciting movie just before the end! It used to bother me a little, but now that I am used to it it is easy; following negative trains of thoughts is rarely leads anywhere joyful so I am glad to now find it easy to just drop them! 

I am also finding it easier to recognise the pointlessness of being upset by minor things which go wrong, I have really been able to highlight just how often I find ordinary everyday occurrences "really annoying" and now when minor incidents happen instead I jokingly say "oh I am mildly inconvenienced"! I am finding it much easier to take life less seriously and see the funny side, or at least the brighter side of my life. I am learning to move on from things much faster than I used to, and not to be felled, as it were, by unhappy circumstances.

Something I am really enjoying at the moment is the time which I spend each evening as I put my baby to bed, as I lie next to her while she falls asleep, I vision the things which I would love to experience as if I already have them. I really love doing this, it feels lovely, exciting, fun and uplifting. It is also proving to be a very useful exercise, for example I recently had a long drive alone with my baby and I was dreading it as she often cries in the car, so I spent a few nights envisaging how I would like that drive to go, and hey presto it went exactly as I had imagined! 
In fact I had a really lovely day, visioning the experience first meant that I factored in extra things which enhanced my day and I doubt I would have thought of them had I just concentrated on how hard it was going to be and how much I was dreading it, and my baby just slept like a baby all the way there and back! 

What is on my mind now is that I would like to increase the time I spend Giving Thanks, the power of gratitude is something which I still feel I have not properly explored. I now know and fully enjoy the wonderful feelings which come when I go on a Rampage of Appreciation, and I enjoy the simple pleasure I experience of my gratitude list which I feel and write everyday at the end of my posts, but I feel that there is more I could do to fully experience the Power of Gratitude! 

I want to fully explore how it feels to give thanks for every tiny little blessing I have in my life right now, and for every big one too! So that is my plan for this week, to meditate on gratitude, appreciation and thankfulness and to see the joy of what that brings. 

Today I have loving Gratitude for the feel of exquisitely soft skin
I have loving Gratitude for sparkling clear water which tempts me to jump in
I have loving Gratitude for my fantastic new haircut
I have loving Gratitude for the kind and generous people I encountered today
I have loving Gratitude for my shiny green van
I have loving Gratitude for cool breezes on hot spring days
I have loving Gratitude for sea greens
I have loving Gratitude for all the times I have swam in the sea
I have loving Gratitude for the day I saw a bat in the daytime skimming insects across the surface of the sea
I have loving Gratitude for fish nibbling my toes

love Klara. 

Monday, 26 March 2012

Paradigm? What Paradigm?


Today I have been thinking about the limitations I have imposed upon myself by having beliefs, opinions or a world view. I was cooking dinner this evening and thinking about how my world view has changed over the last few days, weeks, months and years, and I noticed that I label my world view/ beliefs / opinions as my paradigm, and within each paradigm that I set for myself only the things which I believe in are possible. I am open to the possibility that it is possible that things I don't believe in may also happen. 

I think I may be tying myself in knots here because I already think that what I was going to say may have changed! 
So I decided to look up the concept of a 'paradigm shift', the first thing I found was an article on Thomas Kuhn who in 1962 coined and defined the concept, describing it as an intellectual revolution where one conceptual worldview is replaced by another.

This intrigues me, we all have world views! Our world views are shaped by our experiences and mine may be radically different from yours, or it may be similar, either way it is unlikely to be exactly the same. The thing which I am most interested in here is what I deem to be possible with my world view.

So, each time I grow new understandings about the world, each time my world view broadens or shifts and changes I am having a paradigm shift, into a new paradigm with its own new set of limitations. So it occurred to me that the paradigm I would really like to shift into is the one where there is no paradigm! A world view where I have no world view! No expectations, where as my partner likes to say; there is no banana!  

If I am willing to accept that things I don't believe to be possible may happen, surely that means that beliefs are a bit pointless! I would like to walk the earth with my eyes open to the present, looking always at what is right now. I don't want to see this moment with the glasses of yesterday or twenty years ago! I don't want to fit reality into whatever it most closely resembles in my memory bank! I want to see what is really there, in the same way a baby looks at her hands and truly sees them, not the concept of a hand but an actual hand! 

We all agree that a hand is a hand, and a banana is a banana, a banana therefore is just an agreement between humans. There is so much in life that depends upon us making agreements with each other and ourselves. Many years ago I agreed to somebody else's ideas about what could be forgiven, and what could not. I am ready to move on now. I am ready to throw away paradigms! I am throwing away the banana, who knows what fruit I will discover next!

Today I am Thankful for oranges, apples and pears
I am Thankful for kiwis, limes and lemons
I am Thankful for melons, pineapples and grapes

I am Thankful for colours
I am Thankful for beetroots
I am Thankful to all the people who disagree with me
I am Thankful for my commitment to write my blog
I am Thankful for being myself
I am Thankful that my forgiveness is growing
I am Thankful that I can forgive myself and that I don't have to be sorry forever! 

love Klara. 

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Love Yourself Warts and All!


Somedays I don't feel like writing my blog! I feel like having a day off, I'd like to watch a movie instead, or lie in the sun on my trampoline, or sit in the bath eating mangos! But I have made a commitment to myself to turn up here everyday on this page and write something about my journey into learning how to be happy exactly as I am in the world. 

It's a funny thing learning to be happy exactly as I am, because really I think I must mean to be happy with my external circumstances, because the internal being which I am is constantly changing with every tiny insight I experience and of course every big one. Some days I have no insights (that I am aware of) and so I have to be happy with those days too! 

Accept myself exactly as I am right now! That means warts and all. I remember thinking that was acceptance for my physical form, which I have grown to love and appreciate over the years. What an absolute blessing it is to have a body which works so wonderfully well. 
More recently I have realised that self acceptance is also about being at peace with where I am emotionally as well as physically. 

I wonder will there always be parts of me that need healing? Will I always need to move forwards, to push on through more and more barriers to simple ecstatic being? I suspect the answer is Yes! 

I have been walking in the woods and in the fields today, for a while everything felt all out of balance, but eventually it all settled and I began to enjoy myself. Looking again at nature I noticed that nothing is perfect, everything is affected in some way by the way it grew. When I look at a tree I see the twists and turns taken by the branches, those trees which have grown closely with other trees have had to change direction in places, their shoots sometimes twirling around and around each other. Those trees which have grown out on their own generally have straighter more uniform growth, except where they may have been nibbled by a deer in their sapling stage and have developed forked stems, or where the wind has bent its form through winter gales. 
Some branches are bent and broken, others are scarred, while other parts of the trees are dead or dying. 
Trees continue to grow to maturity regardless of the cuts and bruises, the wind, lightening even, being eaten does not stop them, and when spring comes they burst forth in a magical display of enthusiastic new growth!

Trees stand majestic, warts and all, there is no hiding of the scars and not too much attention on them either. Scars just are, and eventually they fade or become something beautiful. 

I have always felt a very great affinity for trees, they have shown me such a lot of wisdom throughout my life. I am so grateful to live in a place with so many beautiful big trees, and I am grateful to live in a place where so many people care so deeply for trees. 

Thinking about the trees, I feel good about where I am in my emotional world, perhaps my scars will lead to new growth, maybe indeed they occurred to lead me to that growth.

Life is beautiful, and I am very thankful to be living it right now.

Today I have Loving Gratitude for the delicate new buds of Spring
I have Loving Gratitude for the stunning burrs left on trees through natural expressions of life
I have Loving Gratitude for the woods and fields near my home
I have Loving Gratitude for the dappled sunlight on the woodland floor 
I have Loving Gratitude for the feel of the soft earth beneath my feet
I have Loving Gratitude for the rejuvenating sleep which my baby is having
I have Loving Gratitude for my lovely friends
I have Loving Gratitude for the other people on my healing journey
I have Loving Gratitude for the interconnectedness of all life
I have Loving Gratitude for the turning of the seasons

love Klara.  


Saturday, 24 March 2012

Being 100% Responsible for Your Life!


Today I had a magical drive while my baby slept peacefully beside me, and I visited a long barrow which is very special to me and I sat in the sun while my baby played with water and the long grass.
While the skylarks sang overhead I had time to contemplate the nature of being and I opened my heart to receive the wisdom I needed to comprehend why certain things keep happening in my life and what I can do to change them. 

What came of this contemplation was a very sure understanding of how my feelings about things, based on past experiences and conclusions about life, of how those feelings effect my presence in the world. I think there should be a word to represent the state somewhere between a thought and a feeling; it seems to me that a thought is something generated deliberately by the mind, consciously or unconsciously, and a feeling is a response to thoughts or external sensual stimuli. I am imagining the something between thoughts and feelings as a kind of hazy green bubble of energy, inside which are the memories which led me to certain conclusions about life. 
If this bubble floats around my being (actually I am now remembering that I have heard this idea described as a kind of matrix which extends outwards from the body, and remembering that memories have no physical storage place in the brain), anyhow I am enjoying my analogy so I shall carry on with it! 

Yes so the hazy green bubble floats around my being and it meets with other peoples hazy green bubbles and interacts with them influencing our behaviour towards each other. Ok, its a tiny little bit far out, but so is electricity, homoeopathy and well, life itself actually. I don't mind if you think it's nonsense, it makes sense to me. 

So what? So, if I want to look at myself and I am having trouble clearly seeing what my underlying limiting beliefs are about life, I only need to look at my interactions with other people, for example what people talk about when they are around me, and if I am honest enough with myself I will be able to see what part of myself they are reflecting. 

I love this idea, for me it is an extension of being 100% responsible for everything which I encounter (an idea which I have fought with for a long time, but which is greatly preferable to that of being a hapless powerless victim to whom things simply 'happen').

If there is no separation and we are all intrinsically connected to each other it would make perfect sense that our hazy green bubbles would interact as they rub against each other. The atoms which make up my body have been around since the dawn of the world, we are stardust! and we are part of the Great Mystery

It seems a wonderful thing to me that you or anyone else for that matter can help me to see what I need to do to grow as a being, I simply need to look at the reflection you hold for me. 

     Life is Magical, Beautiful and incredibly Interesting! 

Today I am Thankful for the wisdom which sunshine and beautiful places brings when I listen
I am Thankful for the peaceful time my baby had while I was driving 
I am Thankful for beautiful feathers 
I am Thankful for delicate spring flowers 
I am Thankful for my hazy green bubble
I am Thankful for friends 
I am Thankful for the times when people cook for me 
I am Thankful for the song of Robins late at night
I am Thankful for stone
I am Thankful for wood

love Klara. 

Friday, 23 March 2012

The World Really Is My Oyster!


Today I realised something about myself that I could not see while I was unhappy! I realised just how much potential for success that I have. It was a moment where the world changed for me entirely. 

I remember growing up and thinking why am I not good at anything? When will I find out what it is that I excel in? I went to a school full of high achievers and come from a family of well educated successful people, but as I was growing up it appeared to me that everyone was good at something except for me. I was in fact utterly convinced of that idea, to the point where I think I became despondent. I felt like a reject, an oddity and I felt sad. I lost my enthusiasm to achieve anything and I turned away from what I saw as the 'conventional' world. 

Perhaps I am what might be described as a late bloomer, I will never know what I might have achieved if I had been happy when I was younger, and to be plain there is no purpose in wondering, so I shan't!
What I am aware of is that over the course of that last four months I have learnt to CHOOSE GOOD FEELING THOUGHTS, where in the past I chose unharmonious ones or simply did not choose at all I just allowed an endless stream of mental gibber to go on and on. One of the new results that I have noticed, which I never could have predicted, from learning to guide my thoughts and be more in the present, is that the mental mist has begun to clear! I have become far more aware of who I really am and just what great potential I have.

It feels wonderful, I now realise that I am one of those people who is good at things, and not just good, but great! Perhaps I always have been, and perhaps I really am a late bloomer? What does it matter? What does matter is that I have stopped feeling miserable for long enough (four months on the trot seems good enough for me) to take stock of my talents and strengths and to start acting on the potential that I now realise I truly have. 

I am still not sure exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life, and now I also recognise the ridiculousness of thinking that I ought to know what I want to do beyond the next few months! I think it's about time people stopped expecting teenagers to know exactly what they want to devote their whole lives to, I expect there are some people who early on get a real sense of their own passions, but perhaps the rest of us develop passions as we move through life and get to experience new things. After all how could I know that I would love to paint until I held a paintbrush and had the right kind of encouragement to allow myself to have a go?

What I do know for sure is that I have masses of potential, which I did  not previously know about. I feel extremely fortunate. I almost feel as if I have woken from a bad dream to find myself in wonderland. The world is my oyster after all! 

I have turned another full circle to realise again that the most important thing to achieve in life is happiness! I feel more and more certain every day that I am on the right path; learning how to be at peace with myself exactly as I am is utterly invaluable!

I am so thankful for the opportunity to learn how to shepherd my thoughts, and I look forward to more wonderful experiences and revelations which may come my way as I move on in my mission. 

Today I am Thankful for great big beautiful trees
I am Thankful for unexpected delights coming my way
I am Thankful for night time bird song
I am Thankful for my talents being revealed
I am Thankful for my capable hands
I am Thankful for the delicious smell of beeswax candles
I am Thankful for bees
I am Thankful for the smell and taste of fresh honey
I am Thankful for the way honey crystallises when it is stored for a long time
I am Thankful for warm spring days spent with lovely friends

love Klara. 

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Gearing Up To A Paradigm Shift!


I have had a difficult day today, I have been full of mixed feelings and I have found it very hard to choose the good feeling thoughts over the rubbish ones!
I have a very firm idea that anything is possible, but also I have a whole selection of extra persistant thoughts which go against that very idea. I suppose they must be my limiting beliefs! Well today I decided to examine them more closely, I am amazed by what I revealed to myself by examining my own thoughts and feelings.

The irony for me of examining my beliefs was the discovery that my most secret inner limiting belief is that I am basically a bad person and I can never have what I really want! Am I really going to write that in my blog for all the world to see? (well some of it anyway). Well yes actually I am. And if it's not plain enough, the reason I find this ironic is because if anything is possible then how can I never have what I really want?

I am smiling as I write this, the humour of it does not escape me. Plus I feel brave for being myself and telling the truth about my innermost limiting beliefs. If I am not honest with myself then I do not have much chance of moving beyond the limiting paradigm in which I am currently living.

This belief that I cannot have what I really want has an effect upon so much of what I do, it is almost as if I may as well not even try because I know that I will fail before I have even set out! Don't get me wrong though, there is a lot more to my personality than just thinking I will not succeed! I also have a very strong streak of tell me I can't have it and I will be even more determined to get it, and a fairly large dose of I've started so I'll finish, which often helps me get through some of the tougher challenges in life!

Right now I am thinking that if I can get beyond the boring old belief that I can never have what I really want, and truly begin a new paradigm, what would I like it to be? I think I shall go for "I can have whatever I want" If I mix that in with tell me I can't have it and I will be more determined and, I've started so i'll finish, I will be like a human cannon ball! I like that idea! A powerful being indeed.

We are all meant to shine as children do, and I intend to shine. I don't really know quite how to shake off limiting beliefs, I think properly identifying them and shining the bright light of love on to them is a good start. I have already started doing EFT (emotional freedom technique or tapping) for this belief, so I think I am off to a good start.
This evening I spent some time while my baby was falling asleep visualising having some of the things which I would like to experience in my life, as if I already have them. It always feels lovely when I do this. Almost none of the things I would like are material, most are very simple needs being met, I would like to be able to play music, read a book or do yoga while my baby occupies herself.

I think that the main point I would like to remember about my current paradigm and behaviour is that if I sit around feeling glum about not being able to do the things which I really enjoy, then nothing will change. If however I start to imagine how lovely it will be when I can do the things which I enjoy, I will already feel much better. This kind of work takes both determination and will. It is really hard for me to start feeling good about something which I feel I don't have!

The basic truth for me at the moment is that feeling good, healthy, bright, and joyful is where it's at! Feeling bad and miserable does nothing whatsoever for me! Feeling miserable achieves nothing, it is purposeless.

Of course being grateful for all the wonderful things I do experience in my life is a fantastic way of bringing myself back into joy, and finally coming back right into the present is the most brilliant tool in the happiness box. Sitting around wishing I was doing something else stops me noticing how lovely the present is and how fortunate I am to be sharing it with a beautiful brand new being.

                           I really am blessed.

I know that I am well on the way to a magical paradigm shift! I am very excited. As usual writing my blog has helped me to shift the residual grumblyness left over from my day that I was feeling. Hooray for good humour, hooray for the spilling out onto the page of life!

Today I am thankful for my taste-buds for bringing flavour to my life
I am Thankful for the feeling in my fingertips
I am Thankful for the quiet in my house
I am Thankful for the opportunity to grow
I am Thankful for green tractor paint
I am Thankful for the knowledge that misery achieves nothing and leads nowhere
I am Thankful for the knowledge that joy feels wonderful and lives within me
I am Thankful for shield bugs
I am Thankful for the time I saw dinosaur foot prints
I am Thankful for all my happy memories which I can think about when I need a smile on my face

love Klara.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Being Yourself Is Beautiful!


Today I was reminded of a memory of being a little girl or maybe two or three, I was in the supermarket with my mum and somehow I knocked over a bottle of wine and it smashed. We were in Safeways, everyone was very cross; to me it felt more like I had dropped an atom bomb than a bottle of wine. 
It seems to me that somewhere along the way I must have concluded that doing or saying things which might upset other people was not worth while; other people's anger is too uncomfortable for me to cope with. I think I weigh up how I will feel if I don't speak or act, against how they might react if I do, and usually end up bottling what ever it was up or being over cautious in my actions should I unwittingly upset someone.

I am wondering right now if this is another kind of poor usage of thought, spending time thinking over how other people might react is a bit odd for two reasons; firstly I read a book a few years ago called 'The Four Agreements' by Miguel Ruiz, where he convinced me entirely that making assumptions was silly (although I am laughing out loud now as I clearly made an agreement to stop making assumptions but must have somehow managed to leave out those about other people's reactions!!!). And secondly because imagining how other people might react seems tantamount to making an order to the Universe for what one would like to receive, in other words I often get what I was expecting (rather surprisingly or unsurprisingly depending on your school of thought).

It seems to me right now that it would make more sense not to waste my time thinking about how other people might view or interpret my words or actions, and now it is suddenly even more clear to me that that kind of thought probably ought to be described as worrying. Ha ha I am back to worrying again! 

I think I may have found one of my biggest stumbling blocks to my growth! With all the other insights I have gained along my thought choosing path I have seen the wisdom of my insights, taken the bull by the horns and adjusted my behaviour accordingly, in effect I have conquered many of my poor thought patterns. I am super pleased with all my progress. 

I feel unwilling to let go of over thinking whether my words or actions will upset other people! This is very interesting for me! What would happen if I suddenly said exactly what I was thinking to other people? 

I have met a few people who don't seem to have a facility for censoring their own thoughts, they seem to just open their mouths and say the first thing that comes to mind, and it's not always a pleasant experience either for them or the people to whom they are talking! 
My partner and I have a joke about this, I named my internal censor 'The Cutty Sark' (a pun on censorSHIP, I think my sense of humour is sometimes a bit obscure to other people) and his internal censor is one of the Vogon Constructor fleet. 

Now I have done what I usually do when I am uncomfortable about a revelation about myself; I start joking about it. Quick quick the little voice says move on with humour, you don't really need to address anything, it's quite safe to stay exactly as you are, growing is for children, you're thirty-seven now, you can't teach an old dog new tricks..........

The Cutty Sark got burnt down in 2007 and is now being restored, no doubt it will be even better than it was before it was destroyed. Perhaps it's time I burnt down my Cutty Sark! I will not be sorry to see it go, what is the use of a censor which so often leaves me feeling unhappy just so that other people can apparently be comfortable? I can burn it down and rebuild it more to suit my age and who I really am. I am not a three year old in a super market, I am a mother, a musician, a magician, a poet.......

How will it feel to put myself first a bit more often? I feel afraid. I know what I need to do but I feel unwilling to try! I need to get in touch with my bravery. Sometimes when I write this, I wonder about who will read it, I wonder if I will offend anyone and whether I should temper what I am saying because of it? 

I'm going to try visualising what it would feel like to say exactly what I think and feel to other people and to have it received well, with understanding and love. That is the best I can possibly hope for. It is safe to be me, it is safe to ask for what I want and to put my feelings before the imagined feelings of other people! By not saying what I think, I guess I am also denying other people the chance to be loving and kind, to have understanding for me and to reach their full potential too. 

I'm going to go back over the Four Agreements. I'm going to burn down the Cutty Sark (don't worry not the physical one).

Today I am Thankful for helpful old memories
I am Thankful for the Cutty Sark getting burnt down and restored
I am Thankful for the wonderful view from my bedroom window
I am Thankful for the patience of the world, waiting for me to grow
I am Thankful for butterflies
I am Thankful for caterpillars
I am Thankful for metamorphosis
I am Thankful for birth and rebirth
I am Thankful for opportunities to grow
I am Thankful for my guitar

love Klara. 

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Life is a Box of Chocolates.....


I have just woken up after a short snooze with my baby. I have had a pleasant day getting the small jobs done around my house, whilst thinking about the big job I am working on in my heart! 

The big job! What on Earth do I mean??? I do sometimes wonder whether all of this introspection, this inner work is a bit of a red herring, while I think about what on Earth it means to really be happy am I missing the simple story of just being happy! Happiness is a choice, just like it is possible to choose thoughts it is also possible to choose happiness! 

I am intrigued by the fact that I frequently choose to think rubbish thoughts! Sometimes I choose to go back over old thoughts, and sometimes I choose to think about things I wouldn't really like to happen. I wonder to myself; when will I be free? When will I be proficient at shepherding my thoughts to the bountiful peaceful pastures? Will it be soon? Do I have much more work to do? 

I am back again to the recipe analogy, I love stories, analogies and metaphors, I love the telling of tales, the weaving of intricate word mazes.....
Oh yes so the recipe; when I make a cake I find a recipe, or if there is no recipe I think of what tastes and textures I would like to experience and then I make up the recipe. Next I gather together all the ingredients and slowly I begin to mix together the ingredients to form the batter. Lastly I pop it all in a tin and put it in the oven at about gas mark 5 and wait for it to cook. 
Hey presto, out of the oven comes my perfectly risen deliciously smelling cake. The first time I baked a cake it took ages, I made a right old mess and I don't think it rose very well. There was a bit in the recipe where it said to fold the ingredients in together, it should have said "this part is vital and cannot be rushed" but a lot of recipes are written as if one has previous knowledge of cooking. Like when it says to knead the bread dough, it's all very well if one knows what kneading is or how long to do it for! 

So what on earth am I talking about? I am attempting to use baking a cake as an analogy for learning to use my mind to its optimum ability; serene daily happiness. 
First I needed to work out what all the ingredients are and that is something I am still doing and may still be doing for quite sometime! 

So far the most fundamental ingredient (without which the love/happiness cake is a total flop) is actively CHOOSING HARMONIOUS THOUGHTS, next a tablespoon of not taking anything too seriously is necessary, followed by two teaspoons of not feeling annoyed when things go wrong because it achieves nothing. Sieve a whole load of Gratitude for everything wonderful which already exists in my life into the bowl next, and beat in at least a kilo of appreciation for the natural world around me. Fold in a Rampage of Appreciation or perhaps two for good measure and leave to stand in a bucket of being kind to yourself everyday. 

As with any other really delicious nutritious cake it needs to go in the oven at exactly the right temperature for exactly the right amount of time, then it needs to come out and stand for a while before it is iced and enjoyed, unless of course you are a raw fooder in which case you will probably use a fridge instead. I am not a raw fooder and I love cake, although I rarely eat it. Not that that should make my analogy any the less useful. 

What I am really trying to say here to myself is like learning how to make a really good cake, or anything else worth having, it takes time to acquire new skills. When we make bread we leave the dough to rise or prove, I think I must be in the rising stage of my journey, and as with really good bread it may need a second proving! 

I have been drawing together the ingredients of feeling fabulous with my life exactly the way it is right now, and I expect there are a few which still need to be gathered. I am reminded of Georges' Marvellous Medicine by Roald Dahl as I write this, the bit where George and his dad try to recreate the recipe for making the farm animals grow gigantic! Ultimately they do not manage to recreate George's recipe, but they do manage to get rid of the tyrannical grandma in quite a sweet way, so perhaps when success presents itself it is not always in the way that I might have expected it! 

Who knows? Perhaps I will be aiming for a victoria sponge and I may end up with baked alaska?

Today I am thankful for cake
I am thankful for almonds and mangos
I am thankful for butter and cream
I am thankful for my oven
I am thankful for the stories of Roald Dahl
I am thankful for the mists of Avalon
I am thankful for the bright blue spring sky
I am thankful for the sound of bees in the summer
I am thankful for the generosity of strangers
I am thankful for olives

love Klara.

Monday, 19 March 2012

Look to The Bright Field of Now!


What do we miss by hurrying on our way? The world is bringing wisdom to my life daily, the wisdom of now. For so much of my life I have been looking forward, or looking back, so much so that now had become an inconvenience, a troubling burden. I had reached the point where I needed something to look forward to all the time, and if I had nothing to look forward to I became despondent! It seems to me that there is nothing wrong with looking forward to things if one is enjoying the now, however if the only part of life which feels enjoyable is in the future then there is something out of balance. 

We are never in the future, we are only now, and now is all we have. Time moves on and the longed for things come and go, and then what? More things to look forwards to?

Longing for the future, or yearning (or lamenting) for the past has often meant that I have missed the beauty of Now. My gaze has been fixed so far in the future that I have been blind to the present, sometimes intentionally; I have been so connected to and identified with my pain that the present has been unbearable. 

What changed for me? I started to check my thoughts, I began stopping thoughts which did not feel pleasant, and started replacing them with ones which did. I discovered that the despondency, the despair and the sadness was all in my head and housed within my thoughts. It was not, as I had assumed, in my heart. My heart is huge and full of love. My heart is very simple, there are no thoughts in my heart; there is only love. 

Love does not judge, it does not look forwards or back. Love is simple, plain and open. 

I am not my past just as I cannot be my future, as long as I dwell in the past or the future I cannot be fully in the present. Without my thoughts constantly regurgitating, judging and weighing the now, the past and the future, I feel simple. With my eyes wide open in the now I can see so much to love, so much to feel grateful for, so much to appreciate.

I can see the smiles on my family's faces, I can feel the love of my friends. I fully witness the blueness of the sky and the voluminous metamorphosis of the clouds. 

By inhabiting my body instead of my mind I am a happier person, I choose to think gentle thoughts, loving thoughts and to treat myself with the kindness I would a much loved friend. 

The Bright Field

I have seen the sun break through
to illuminate a small field
for a while, and gone my way
and forgotten it. But that was the Pearl 
of great price, the one field that had
treasure in it. I realise now that 
I must give all that I have
to possess it. Life is not hurrying

on to a receding future, nor hankering after
an imagined past. It is the turning
aside like Moses to the miracle
of the lit bush, to the brightness
that seemed as transitory as your youth
once, but is the eternity that awaits you.

R.S Thomas 1913-2000

Today I have loving Gratitude for the bright field
I have loving gratitude for now
I have loving gratitude for freckles
I have loving gratitude for the warm feeling in my body after a bath
I have loving gratitude for birthday cake
I have loving gratitude for the bright hills in the distance
I have loving gratitude for the quiet moments in my mind
I have loving gratitude for the last cold frosty mornings of spring
I have loving gratitude for the love in my heart
I have loving gratitude for my open mind 

love Klara.