Today I was reminded of a memory of being a little girl or maybe two or three, I was in the supermarket with my mum and somehow I knocked over a bottle of wine and it smashed. We were in Safeways, everyone was very cross; to me it felt more like I had dropped an atom bomb than a bottle of wine.
It seems to me that somewhere along the way I must have concluded that doing or saying things which might upset other people was not worth while; other people's anger is too uncomfortable for me to cope with. I think I weigh up how I will feel if I don't speak or act, against how they might react if I do, and usually end up bottling what ever it was up or being over cautious in my actions should I unwittingly upset someone.
I am wondering right now if this is another kind of poor usage of thought, spending time thinking over how other people might react is a bit odd for two reasons; firstly I read a book a few years ago called 'The Four Agreements' by Miguel Ruiz, where he convinced me entirely that making assumptions was silly (although I am laughing out loud now as I clearly made an agreement to stop making assumptions but must have somehow managed to leave out those about other people's reactions!!!). And secondly because imagining how other people might react seems tantamount to making an order to the Universe for what one would like to receive, in other words I often get what I was expecting (rather surprisingly or unsurprisingly depending on your school of thought).
It seems to me right now that it would make more sense not to waste my time thinking about how other people might view or interpret my words or actions, and now it is suddenly even more clear to me that that kind of thought probably ought to be described as worrying. Ha ha I am back to worrying again!
I think I may have found one of my biggest stumbling blocks to my growth! With all the other insights I have gained along my thought choosing path I have seen the wisdom of my insights, taken the bull by the horns and adjusted my behaviour accordingly, in effect I have conquered many of my poor thought patterns. I am super pleased with all my progress.
I feel unwilling to let go of over thinking whether my words or actions will upset other people! This is very interesting for me! What would happen if I suddenly said exactly what I was thinking to other people?
I have met a few people who don't seem to have a facility for censoring their own thoughts, they seem to just open their mouths and say the first thing that comes to mind, and it's not always a pleasant experience either for them or the people to whom they are talking!
My partner and I have a joke about this, I named my internal censor 'The Cutty Sark' (a pun on censorSHIP, I think my sense of humour is sometimes a bit obscure to other people) and his internal censor is one of the Vogon Constructor fleet.
Now I have done what I usually do when I am uncomfortable about a revelation about myself; I start joking about it. Quick quick the little voice says move on with humour, you don't really need to address anything, it's quite safe to stay exactly as you are, growing is for children, you're thirty-seven now, you can't teach an old dog new tricks..........
The Cutty Sark got burnt down in 2007 and is now being restored, no doubt it will be even better than it was before it was destroyed. Perhaps it's time I burnt down my Cutty Sark! I will not be sorry to see it go, what is the use of a censor which so often leaves me feeling unhappy just so that other people can apparently be comfortable? I can burn it down and rebuild it more to suit my age and who I really am. I am not a three year old in a super market, I am a mother, a musician, a magician, a poet.......
How will it feel to put myself first a bit more often? I feel afraid. I know what I need to do but I feel unwilling to try! I need to get in touch with my bravery. Sometimes when I write this, I wonder about who will read it, I wonder if I will offend anyone and whether I should temper what I am saying because of it?
I'm going to try visualising what it would feel like to say exactly what I think and feel to other people and to have it received well, with understanding and love. That is the best I can possibly hope for. It is safe to be me, it is safe to ask for what I want and to put my feelings before the imagined feelings of other people! By not saying what I think, I guess I am also denying other people the chance to be loving and kind, to have understanding for me and to reach their full potential too.
I'm going to go back over the Four Agreements. I'm going to burn down the Cutty Sark (don't worry not the physical one).
Today I am Thankful for helpful old memories
I am Thankful for the Cutty Sark getting burnt down and restored
I am Thankful for the wonderful view from my bedroom window
I am Thankful for the patience of the world, waiting for me to grow
I am Thankful for butterflies
I am Thankful for caterpillars
I am Thankful for metamorphosis
I am Thankful for birth and rebirth
I am Thankful for opportunities to grow
I am Thankful for my guitar