I'd like someone else to write my blog for me today, I want a day off, I would like it to flow, and I want to go to sleep. I don't think I slept very much last night and to begin with my day went really well, I was joyful and excited, but by the afternoon the tiredness had caught up with me and I have struggled ever since.
I am plain old grumpy, I don't really even want to make the effort to cheer up! I was observing my thoughts and it made me laugh that when I thought about what I could try to move into a better frame of mind I didn't want to do it, I wanted to stay miserable! How stubborn!
I let my mind ramble away for a while and then when I noticed it was not only going in circles but on each loop the thoughts were getting progressively more miserable, I said "Enough!"
I hear a lot from other people about how it is bad to suppress our thoughts, and how we should allow our feelings, but when the thoughts are leading the feelings down the garden path and into the dark dark woods is it still a good plan to go with them?
Any way I chose to stop thinking, instead I observed. I observed the sky and the clouds, I looked at the birds flying and leaves blowing about in the wind, slowly my feelings stopped feeling so destructive, they gradually moved in an upwards spiral until I felt neutral. Observing the world around me brought me back to the present where everything simply IS.
It was my thoughts that were making me unhappy, and they weren't even real! Once my feelings had returned to a more relaxed state of being, they had retreated from the dark woods and were sitting swinging their legs nonchalantly on an old stone wall, I thought briefly on the subjects which before were making me feel so terrible, and to my delight my thoughts and feelings were completely different!
Again, another example of when I feel miserable the world seems miserable!
After a while I began to smile to see how that would make me feel, I felt better! I am tired today, and when I am tired I need to be more gentle with myself, I need to be patient and kind with myself, just like I would be to a loved one in need of help and support. Yes I needed support from myself!
My problem today was created by thoughts, again nothing in my world had changed, my tiredness simply left me vulnerable to unharmonious old thought habits. I am learning new ways of being in the world, and it can take time for new lessons to be learnt. They say old habits die hard and that Rome wasn't built in a day! I am not a particularly old leopard but my spots are changing everyday and in every way, and I am especially enjoying the ways I was not expecting!
Today I am Thankful for all my walks beside babbling brooks
I am Thankful for my will to carry on choosing joy when I am tired
I am Thankful for big skies with spectacular broad sunbeams lighting up the fields
I am Thankful for smiling
I am Thankful for the days to come when we can go collecting spring greens in the fields
I am Thankful for our telescope because I saw the craters on the moon
I am Thankful for the ever turning cycle of night and day
I am Thankful for the stillness of night
I am Thankful for zips and buttons
I am Thankful for the light in my heart reflected in the light in the sky