Friday, 8 June 2012

What is my Truth?


I stayed up late last night enjoying myself and then got woken at about four thirty by my baby who was full of the joys of spring! She stayed awake for a couple of hours and then fell back into a peaceful sleep. 

I forget how tiredness can affect my equilibrium, or perhaps not so much tiredness but the half asleep half awake state which occurs when I remain in bed but don't manage to fall back to sleep. I am a great believer that tiredness is partly an emotional state; I believe I have not had the right amount of sleep to refresh me and therefore my orientation is affected by that belief and I demonstrate the signs of tiredness. There is no real way of knowing for sure! 

So in my stupor I decided it was probably safe to allow my mind to wander! Ha ha! I laugh out loud at the very idea now! There is a time and a place for a wandering mind, and that place is when I am creating! Fully conscious my mind twists and turns with a subject I have chosen, one for which I have a great passion. Beautiful stories are created, delicious tunes come from my wandering mind; in that moment I have chosen to let my mind drift in imaginations playground, stories and songs growing from my consciousness in a delicious burst of colourful creation!!

My recent successes at choosing my thoughts and having a quiet mind had lulled me into a false sense of security about allowing my mind to drift! Perhaps for some people with a more natural positive outlook, those lucky people who do not have to learn productive safe ways of thinking, allowing their minds to drift is a pleasant experience, but not yet so for me! 

I regret to say that a whole entourage of malevolent, disorderly, maladjusted, malignant thoughts began to assemble themselves in my unsuspecting mind! Quietly they began tearing shreds off my peaceful story telling me tales of how dreadful everything is for me, trying to persuade me that life is awful and that I have been making terrible mistakes left right and centre! 

So, I hear you say, how do I know the difference between the truth and the fiction which I claim my mind presents to me? What surprised me today was just how easy it was to see which thoughts were authentic and which were the product of negative thinking. The predominately negative thoughts didn't quite feel authentic, I faintly recognised them as being from an entirely different part of my life. After a while I examined them to see whether they felt true for who I am right now, and I was relieved to find that my joys and passions outweigh any of the negative aspects of the life choices I have made for myself. 

Tiredness, whatever it is, is a danger area for me, I have to be extra vigilant with myself when I am tired, which of course is harder than when I am not tired. I'd like to say that once I had recognised that my mind was running amok that I stopped it and moved back into a profoundly positive place, but I am afraid I did not! I continued to generate negative thoughts for much of today until I noticed again what I was doing, interestingly these thoughts were also easily recognisable as rather antiquated! 

Who knows how I will fare for the rest of the day? Of course I will be doing my best to think about that which I am thankful for, and I shall be being kind to myself as I would be to anyone else! One thing I am glad to say is in full working order is my ability to laugh at my own negativity and love myself all the more for being human and making mistakes.

For the rest of the day I shall be treating myself to a large pinch of not taking myself too seriously, eating nice food, drinking plenty of water, adopting a winning stance and singing the songs I love! 

Today I have Loving Gratitude for laughter with old friends
I have Loving Gratitude for being fortunate enough to have old friends
I have Loving Gratitude for the local swimming pool
I have Loving Gratitude for the return of the sun
I have Loving Gratitude for the work I am doing to restore myself to positive thinking habits
I have Loving Gratitude for ladybirds
I have Loving Gratitude for room 101
I have Loving Gratitude for flying beetles
I have Loving Gratitude for fizzy wine
I have Loving Gratitude for you, Madi Bliss! 

love Klara.

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