Today is my fourteenth blogging session! A two week anniversary, which like yesterday didn't start so well. Late last night I experienced quite a lot of negative thoughts, but I put it down to tiredness and did my best to CHOOSE SOME BETTER FEELING THOUGHTS.
This morning I awoke feeling tired, but I also had an overwhelming sense of dread. I think it's probably completely normal to have a certain amount of negative thoughts emerging throughout the day, I believe it can take time to build new pathways in the brain for positive happy feeling thoughts to flow down, and I have definitely experienced quite a large change in the ease with which I move from what could be a negative train of thought to a happy life enhancing one, i.e. CHOOSING GOOD FEELING THOUGHTS has got much EASIER!
What I was experiencing this morning was different. The thoughts I was involuntarily having (and I mean not consciously generating) were dramatic and suffused with morbidity and fear. These thoughts were so unusual that I decided to take notice of them, I examined them for validity with the help of my partner.
After some time and some releasing of the excessive energy, I realised that these thoughts must be old emotional baggage surfacing to be cleared. At first I was disappointed, "Oh no" I said to myself, "I'm not superwoman after all!!!". You see, I wanted it all to be so simple, choose happy feeling thoughts and forget the past, ignore it, it will go away! Maybe that sounds naive, but I'm ok with that, there is something beautiful about naivety; I'm still childishly innocent.
So, now I have a new challenge!: To find a way to heal those old wounds which have surfaced, without letting them overrun my life. I'm going to choose when it's appropriate to think about that stuff, at a time when I have head-space, resources and help to deal with it, and the rest of the time I'm going to carry on choosing wonderful feeling thoughts.
In the past this resurgence of negativity might have floored me, but now I have the tools to deal with it and I'm enormously grateful that I have been doing this work, and that I made a commitment to myself to keep trying no matter what I have to face.
Secondary to these old feelings, I think that my ego has a part to play in this negative episode. The ego keeps us safe, safety for the ego lies in familiarity, and all this positivity and joy is clearly too novel for mine!! Well, it's just going to have to change along with the rest of me; I'm not going back to the bad old days, when winter was dreadful for me and I was at the mercy of un-shepherded thoughts.
I am really enjoying my new life, it feels marvelous the majority of the time, I am recognising more and more each day what a fortunate being I am and I LOVE IT.
I LOVE MYSELF
I LOVE CHOOSING GREAT FEELING THOUGHTS
Today, I am Thankful for the insight of others
I am Thankful for the beautiful sunset
I am Thankful for fluffy clouds
I am Thankful for the breeze on my skin
I am Thankful for night swimming in the sea
I am Thankful for the bright full moon
I am Thankful for the astounding brilliance of a starry night sky
I am Thankful for rainbows around the moon
I am Thankful for swirling mists
I am Thankful for the mossy carpet in the woods.