Today is day sixty-one and I have been lying in bed trying to work our what it do when the dominant thoughts seem to want to stay miserable.....
It is almost as if I wilfully want to stay annoyed. Something annoying happened and now I feel as if I want to stay annoyed, it is not an open desire it is more like a refusal to let go. It is a funny feeling, it seems to me it is akin to the refusal to forgive on the grounds that forgiving is somehow 'letting someone off' for what they did. The idea that if one was to let go of it it could go round happening all over the place, willy nilly, unchecked.
Holding on to it must be the only thing to do, if I remember it, if I stay cross, then it can't happen again. Or can it??? If I concentrate on that which I dislike for long enough I can change it. Or can I??? What a funny idea! It is a similar to feeling to that of 'they did this to me'; a victim mentality. Who wants to be in the ultimate position of disempowerment? Not me that's for sure!
And of course remembering that feeling miserable is rather pointless and can achieve nothing other than more misery......
So knowing all this, and still feeling stroppy, how do I change my thoughts?
I was lying in bed getting my baby to sleep with all of these needy thoughts going on, and in such a position I felt that the resources available to me were limited; I needed to be quiet and I could not move! So this was a super challenge for my incredible mind to come up with a way of shifting gear and moving to a better feeling set of thoughts.......
I thought of athletes and how they visualise training in order to practise, our bodies actually physically experience imagined activity if we visualise it clearly enough! So I did some virtual exercise, first I did twenty star jumps in my kitchen, next I went out into the park and ran around it and then I got on my trampoline and did ten star jumps, ten pike jumps, ten straddles and ten tuck jumps. I noticed that my muscles were very subtly moving while I did this. After a while I started to feel better.
Eventually I fell asleep, and now I can barely open my eyes as I am so sleepy! I am having trouble reading what I have written, so you will have to forgive me if it's gobble-de-goop!
However, I have forgotten what I was upset about, mostly anyway. I do feel better, my thoughts have moved on, I have let go of the need to blame. Forgiveness does not mean that I am open to something happening again, it means that I recognise that it is of no benefit to me or the rest of the world to hold onto what has gone before. I have no emotional attachment to it, I am free of it. I am free......
Today I am Thankful to have shown up on the page despite my head aching and not being able to focus my eyes!
I am Thankful for the power of virtual exercise
I am Thankful for everything I have learnt so far that helps me to CHOOSE GOOD FEELING THOUGHTS
I am Thankful for everything I still have to learn
I am Thankful for my eyes especially when they don't work so well
I am Thankful for the power of gratitude to raise my mood to a happy one
I am Thankful for ladybirds
I am Thankful for green shield beetles
I am Thankful for the way woodlice turn into a ball when disturbed
I am Thankful for ice