I woke up smiling this morning after what seemed like a whole night without sleep! My little baby was super restless all night and during the times that she was asleep my mind chose to wake up and think about all sorts of unhelpful things! Usually I find it much harder to shepherd my thoughts in the half asleep-half awake state, but last night I noticed that I seemed to effortlessly remember to search for better feeling thoughts! It had almost become some sort of bizzarre sleep walking mantra "there must be a better way of looking at this......!!!"
I think that I may have been being impatient with myself about my progress, I have been feeling like everything should now be effortless, I should no longer suffer from bad moods, unhelpful thoughts, or episodes of misery. I set my goal on the 15th of November 2011 to change my life, from one of despondent, depressed winters and the rest of the year filled with uncertainty and mood swings, to a joyful enthusiastic life full of fun and excitement, and now five months on I feel like it should all be done and dusted!
I should be serene in the extreme! I should be a walking bubble of joyous vibration, love and happiness coursing through my veins, leaping out of bed every morning full of anticipation for my day to unfold with an explosion of showering blossoms, laughter and trumpets fan-faring!
Ahem, ok so I am beautifully naive, I thought that after a meare thirty-seven years of thinking in a random uncensored negative anxious fear laden way that five months of super positivity joy and laughter would be plenty to change the habits of a lifetime! When I put it like that in black and white it really seems very funny indeed, actually if it was someone whom I loved holding that aspiration I would think it was charming. So there we are, I am naive and charming, how sweet, and starting to sound sarcastic and not meaning to at all! ha ha ha !!!
I am so glad that I am able to see the funny side of it all, and now on reflection I am amazed at just how well I am doing, I shall not be bemoaning my thought patterns any more, I am not doing badly at all, in fact if after thirty-seven years of poor thinking habits I was managing to achieve half the positive thoughts which I am then I would be doing well. Indeed my assessment that I should be doing better by now is an indication of my optimistic thinking, after all why shouldn't Rome have been built in a day? Of course it would have been an awful shock for the people, or would that be a magnificent surprise?
How would it be if our dreams were manifest more or less instantly? I suspect that there are people out there who can make manifest their dreams in a very short amount of time (feel free to make yourselves known - I'd love to hear from you), and perhaps one day I will be one of them, however if I were to fall in love with elephants and found that I could not stop thinking about them it would be quite awkward to have them turn up in my reality and have to house, feed and generally look after them, after all I do not live in a safari park, although there is a park out the back of my house......
In fact if that is the case that one can manifest what is desired almost instantly one would need to be very proficient at guiding ones thoughts in order to not manifest a whole load of unwanted stuff and experiences.
Which reminds me of something which happened to me yesterday, I was out walking in an extremely beautiful place, my baby peacefully sleeping on my back, there I was enjoying the stunning view and I thought of when I had been there last and I saw some deer walking beside the woods, and all of a sudden my mind offered up the thought of someone coming along and shooting them all dead right in front of my eyes!
First of all, I am thankful that my thought did not become manifest instantly! I love wildlife and would have hated that to happen, and secondly I am grateful that at the time I caught myself before I began to berate myself for having such an unpleasant thought. I wrote about the morbid imagination here quite some time ago, a phenomenon where unpleasant stories unfold in the mind, and yesterday when that thought occurred to me I was able to simply allow it, I gave no energy to it, I fully realised that it was a product of old thinking habits and to give energy to it would simply feed the future reproduction of unpleasant imaginings!
What a blessing, to feel so at peace with myself that I was able to allow myself to have morbid thoughts with no implications whatsoever! Allowing and moving forwards when the mind throws up old junk is something which I used to aspire to, and I am now super glad to have learnt how to do it!
There is much to learn, I am teaching myself how to enjoy life, from the inside out, there is no manual, appart from the one I am writing! I am going to continue to be gentle, patient and kind to myself whilst I learn to be free, and of course forever after, Amen.
Today I am Thankful for the progress I am making everyday as I learn to live happily
I am Thankful for the thoughts which allow me to see the progress I am making
I am Thankful for my sense of humour
I am Thankful for the little sleep I did get last night
I am Thankful for this morning
I am Thankful for my baby's smiling face to wake up to
I am Thankful for tea in bed
I am Thankful for my morning porridge
I am Thankful for the excitement of birthdays
I am Thankful for the last five months of working and playing at finding good feeling thoughts