Even on the darkest of days and in the blackest of moods there still resides in me a spark.
The Spark of life!
The spark is my guiding light. I believe that we are not supposed to suffer the torment of depression and other such mind traumas, I believe that our feelings are there to guide us, and when something feels really awful it is an indication that we are doing or feeling something which is against our best interests, the unpleasant feelings arise as a way of letting us know that we need to move on to something else in order to thrive.
The spark is there when I have ignored all the warning signals, when I have followed a train of thought all the way along the track, and I am sitting in the dark pit of gloom, there is the spark! My job when I am ready to leave the depressive bubble is to focus in on the Spark. Inside the spark resides my joy and my happiness story; to move from spark to flame I need to begin to kindle my spark, I must start to focus on that which I love, even if it seems completely unattainable, impossible and ridiculous!
Once I have begun to focus on my spark and it has grown into a flame then I can focus even harder on the goal; I will light the forest fire of my hopes, joys and dreams inside my mind. Moving from a really dark space into the light can take time, it is often hard work and may take a very real act of Will, but it is essential to know that it CAN BE DONE!
I am very pleased to say that I have not visited the darkest places for quite some time, but what I am experiencing is a kind of plateaux of ordinariness. What do I mean? I mean that currently my usual mode is frequently one of boredom! I have often said that boredom is a refusal to be creative! There is so much in life one could be occupied with, and with a small baby I am rarely idle, so perhaps boredom is the wrong word, but it is the closest I can get to describing the feeling which I am experiencing!
It is more like a kind of emotional of spiritual boredom, perhaps even a refusal to get excited about anything! I can remain ambivalent, underwhelmed, uninterested, flat for long periods of time.
So I am now considering that it is the same story as that which I experience with depression, boredom is just a mode, a frame of mind. I have moved on from my former mode being one of depression, I have moved up the emotional scale and now I have to do exactly the same operation that I had to do when I was depressed; which is to look for the spark, kindle a flame, fuel the fire and move into a better feeling place! It seems that I have made a stop off on the train to joy at Complacency Station! Here everything is OK, but it could be better, so much better!
I am not excited, I am not Joyful, I am not glowing with the love of the world! But I can be with a little effort of will and some imaginative thinking! Joy, excitement and enthusiasm for life are not far away at any point in life!
I just took this theory for a test run, and spent half an hour lighting a fire of enthusiasm for things I would love to experience, and sure enough there it was! I took the spark, I fed the flame and joy grew in my heart.
I don't know why I have not been residing in a place of joy naturally at the moment, as my orientation, maybe it is as simple as making a habit of feeling joyful, or perhaps the stars are drawing me into a different place at the moment? I don't think it is important. Sometimes joy finds me, sometimes I find joy!
Today I am Thankful for the Spark!
I am Thankful for Joy
I am Thankful for the times my children do the washing up
I am Thankful for rainbows around the moon
I am Thankful for my thoughts
I am Thankful for poetry
I am Thankful for the mystic thinkers
I am Thankful for astrologers
I am Thankful for crows
I am Thankful for the great mystery