This evening I had a really hard time, I was overtaken by a wave of misery which I was not prepared for, for a while I was completely engulfed by the wave of gloom and doom, but towards the end of it I realised that it was not real.
What I find the hardest about the occasional waves of misery which still swoop over me from time to time is that they are apparently causeless. If something had happened to bring me down then I could understand feeling so low, but if nothing has changed then it seems so peculiar to be suddenly swept away by destructive thoughts.
The thing that I learnt from todays episode is that I can ride the feelings out, so to speak, if I can be patient they will pass. Everything passes, nothing stays the same and after a while of feeling anything something eventually happens to change things, so why not depression and misery? It was so today, after some time crying and entertaining the thoughts there was no where else to go with it! The nature of the world is that everything, including our thoughts, is constantly moving into form, through form and out of form.
I changed my focus, and watched my baby being funny with her blond fluffy hair waving about while she wobbled around the room, for a while I still felt low, but I felt it shift all of a sudden. I think that I kind of accepted the feelings and looked again at my situation; nothing had changed from yesterday, the tree outside my sitting room still waved beautifully in the wind, the sky still radiated stunning blueness and the birds still sung evening song. I am still myself, my songs still exist, I still needed to go for a walk and write my blog! Time was ticking on.
Today I seriously considered stopping writing this blog. Why? Because I was feeling low, and perhaps feeling like it has run its course, it has all been said, but perhaps it hasn't. Maybe it is never done, maybe we are never finished growing. I wanted to be able to wave a magic wand and be happy every day, I wanted to change the thought habits of a lifetime in a few months and because it hasn't happened completely yet I feel frustrated, I feel impatient, I feel annoyed, I feel like I need to learn patience.
One thing I do know for sure is that I am changing slowly, my bouts of misery are shorter; hours rather than days. My ability to move from miserable feeling thoughts back into the present moment and to concentrate on the now is improving. I am growing, I am learning, I am CHOOSING MY THOUGHTS as often as I allow myself to.
I want to be a success at finding happiness every day, I am glad I have managed to get through today, I am proud of myself for not giving up, perhaps everyone has days when they feel like giving up, perhaps only special people do, like me!
Today I am grateful for my partner and his endless kindness
I am grateful for apples which still have a leaf attached to the stalk when I eat them
I am grateful for roses
I am grateful for powder paints
I am grateful for paper mache
I am grateful for the sun when it hangs low on the land like a burning red balloon
I am grateful for ants
I am grateful for stick insects and leaf insects
I am grateful for the bugs which eat decaying matter and return the nutrients to the soil
I am grateful for my friends