It is friday afternoon and I have an hour before I have to go and fetch my children from school so here I am! If no one is reading this then i can just burble on without any particular aim and no cares about what I write, it can become a sort of cathartic rant blah blah blah, artists way morning pages style nonsense.
Is there any point in me doing this anymore? I know that there is a point, the point is to talk my self daily into a good productive creative state of mind, only now that I have some inspiration to go and play music I kind of resent the fact that if I don't come and write my blog then my mind wanders into the muddy waters of misery gloom and doom.
What lurks in the muddy waters? watery weedy creatures lure and lurch at me waving banners of muddy failure, leeches suck my blood and try to bite bits of my creative body away, sinking sand bogs me down and the waters come sweeping in threatening to drown me in the murkyness of despair.
Ok so something has to give, I have to pull the map out of my back pocket and find a way out of the mire. so here it is, the map:
1. Am I drinking enough water? No probably not, time for a drink then.
2. Next, do I need to shower and get dressed? A cursory look in the mirror could tell me all I need to know! Lawks a mercy I am the great Unwashed! So a quick scrub up is in order.
3. How is my posture? More looking in the mirror, and laughing at my slumped indifference!
4. Am I guiding my thoughts or allowing my mind to wander? Ok my brain has gone off on some bizzarre rebellious tangent.....
5. Am I taking myself and everything else too seriously? Yes!
6. How in the moment am I? Oh dear, not very at all. Where am I then? Mostly I am worrying about my lack of success measured in modern western terms....
7. How kind am I being to myself? Well judging by the fact that there is a pile of sweet wrappers next to me, I need to shower and get dressed, I could do with some water, my posture is bad, I am dwelling on nonsensical thoughts, need I go on? I am not being very kind to myself.
8. When did I last do something playful and really laugh? I actually do remember when I last had a good laugh, it was on my holiday and my partner accidentally rubbed baby pooh onto our stack pipe..... laughing now!
9. When did I last set out on a visionary adventure? AhA! The last time I lay down and visioned something I would love to experience was before I went away on my holiday! Too long ago! There is something so juicy and life enhancing about lying down while my baby goes to sleep and dreaming up all the details of something I would love to experience as if it was already my reality. No wonder I feel crumpled and bedraggled, I have been missing out on one of my favourite activities!
10. Am I actively wilfully choosing happiness? No not really! Why not? I am not sure, perhaps I can blame the moon, or the position of the stars, perhaps I can blame the weather....
So there we have it the map to feeling good. When I have finished writing here it is quite clear that I have plenty to be getting on with! I have a big smile on my face now. Just because I am writing this every day it doesn't mean that I should not be allowed to have low days when I find it all hard work. The fact is that I have turned up here on the page with the intention of doing what ever I can to help myself to find the happiness which I know dwells within me.
I congratulate myself now for having the courage to write exactly as I am experiencing this moment. I am pleased with myself for showing up, I am thankful that I am able to find the humour in my own disfunction.
I am off now to do all the things which will help me to feel like the incredible amazing being which I am.
Today I am Thankful for my own work for showing me the way
I am Thankful for my sense of humour
I am Thankful for my shower
I am Thankful for my new clothes from a clothes swap
I am Thankful for my friends for not wanting such nice clothes anymore
I am Thankful for the beauty outside my door
I am Thankful for the sun behind the grey sky
I am Thankful for my glasses
I am Thankful for the beauty of my children
I am Thankful for laughter